This past Monday, almost a week ago, I was coming home from work and thinking...I had been thinking about the new movie The Nativity Story all day. No real reason why it had invaded my head all day that day. I had seen the trailer a few times and it had really caught my interest. So I get home from work on Monday and decide that I'm going to go see this movie.I checked what time it was playing and got ready to go. Now normally, I would see who of my friends or family would like to go see a movie with me, as I always go to movies with someone. But something in me just wanted to go and experience this story all by myself. Now, first of all, for those of you who have never gone to see a movie in a theatre by yourself, I strongly recommend it. This was my first crack at it, and it is a very wonderful experience. I sat way up in the very back row right in the center and just got comfy. There wasn't anyone around me and I was just free to sit and take it all in without any distractions. Amazing.
Lately, in my life, I have been in kind of a giant struggle with God, and my faith in general. I have been making poor decisions and choosing to give in to whatever it is that my sinful desire wants, rather than choosing God. I feel that I can truly understand why some people choose the lifestyles that they do. More often than not, choosing instant gratification over God's will is an appealing thing. I began to question myself, and why it is exactly that I need this God. Surely I am quite capable of handling myself in this world and doing just fine all on my own. What is the point of my faith? Why do I actually need God? I began having lots of doubts and thoughts that I knew deep down would only lead to my own destruction should I choose to succumb to them. So, I decided to go to this movie. As I sat in my seat in the theatre waiting for it to start, I quickly and simply asked that God would use this movie to speak to me in whatever way he wanted. Because even though I was going through this distraught period of my life, I knew that I needed God, and I knew that I needed a reminder of why. When I feel far from God, my prayers are often filled with doubt that God is even there. Just a sense of wondering why I'm talking to the open air. I must be crazy. But......
The Nativity Story spoke to my heart more strongly and more directly and more powerfully than anything I have ever felt before in my life. You know...as many times as I have heard this story of the first Christmas, I have never been more impacted by it as when I saw it played out right in front of my eyes. You kind of hear it over and over and eventually you kind of get to a place of feeling like you've heard it a million times and that it's old news. In my life when I think of the Christmas story, I think about Jesus. You know....how the birth of Jesus was foretold, the actual birth of Jesus, how the shepards and wise men came to see Jesus. The whole focus is directly on Jesus. Which is completely an accurate and true and wonderful thing. But never have I ever walked through the journey of the other people who were involved. There were people involved in making this incredible story come true. Significant people! Significant, but yet nothing. These people were lowly, and humble, and poor. They were commoners who had little value in the eyes of the world. People like you and me. We are not noble in any way. I have no royal background. I'm not extravagantly wealthy.There is nothing specifically special about me in the eyes of the world. Same as it was for them. I felt like I could feel the deepest part of these characters hearts as I watched.
Take Mary.....she was young! A mere 14 or 15 years old. She is to marry this man who is an adult compared to her young age. That in itself must have been somewhat frightening. Having a man choose you as his wife while still being almost a child. Terrifying. To me anyway. So she's getting married. Huge deal. Then an angel comes to her. Wow! To this young jewish girl in Nazareth. He tells her that she has found favor with God. Those words seem to have been brought to life in my heart. What does that look like? To be a woman who finds favor with God? You know...back then....life was sooooooo much simpler than it is today. Life was about God. K? Just think about that for a second. Their work and duties and families and friends kind of feel into place after that. Now, life is about work, and extracurricular activities, and commitments, etc., and we do our best to find time for God...to fit him in. What changed? Why is it so different now? When I accepted Christ as my God, I submitted my life to him. And it is taking me a looong time to really figure out what that means. It doesn't just mean that I should read my Bible every day, and pray often, and consult him with important decisions. That is soooo far off base, I could get lost out there. It is about life. If my life is God's, that means that every single second of every single day belongs to him. Every single thought that I have, every word that comes out of my mouth, every move I make with my body, EVERY SINGLE SECOND should be God's, for him to use me in whatever way he wishes. This truth has been piercing my heart all week and I have been wrestling with how my life needs to change and be different than it has been. Because if I really believe this, then my life needs to look different. I can't help but look at Mary, and wonder how she took such a GIANT leap of faith in trusting God with his will. She was putting much at risk by by choosing God over herself. Young unmarried women who became pregnant were not just looked down on, they were not lectured, or teased, or ridiculed, theit life was not just made miserable, their life was taken from them. They stoned women to death who fit this criteria. K? Death. That is a big big trust that Mary needed to have. No wonder she found favor with God. She had faith that definitely exceeds anything I've seen in my lifetime. So the thought of how I can live my life as Mary did, has been constantly running through my mind all week. How can I be a woman who finds favor with God? How can I become a woman of great virtue? Not just most of the time, not just generally speaking, but EVERY SECOND of my life. Every second. This has become my hearts greatest desire.
As much as I was impacted by Mary in The Nativity Story, I was able to see Joseph in a completely brand new and amazing way. Different than ever before. Oscar Isaac, the man who plays Joseph struggled with the role when first asked to play it. How do you play a man whom we know next to nothing about? I mean, the Bible covers all the major details in the part that he played in the birth and lif of Jesus, but other than being described as a "righteous man", there is really nothing else we know about him. Oscar Isaac brought his man to life. Joseph had so much more of a significant role to play than I ever imagined. He was a real person. A simple carpenter from Nazareth. He loved this woman Mary with all of his heart. After Mary is told she will become pregnant, she leaves immediately to go visit her cousin Elizabeth. She stays there for about 3 months, then comes home. Joseph is undoubtedly thrilled that she is back and runs to greet her....only to discover that the love of his life is pregnant. Now men....if there are any of you who are reading this....imagine that there is a woman that you have chosen as your wife because you believe that she is a woman of great virtue, and your hearts desire is to take her home and treasure her for the rest of your life. She leaves without telling you and comes back three months later. Surely your heart would skip a beat or something and you would run to see her. And as quickly as your overwhelming joy came at word of her return, it is replaced by confusion, anger, disappointment, hurt. Your woman is pregnant and you know the child is not yours. How does someone react to that? Just because Joseph was a righteous man, doesn't mean that this new information greatly hurt and angered him. He must have felt so betrayed. Even though Mary tried to explain to you that it wasn't the result of any man, you surely would be filled with doubt. You see how greatly Joseph is troubled by this. But he chooses not to accuse her and therefore there will be no trial against her. Now an angel comes to fill him in on the details, to confirm that what Mary said was the truth. He goes and takes Mary and chooses to claim the child as his own knowing that they will be greatly looked down upon. You see throughout the movie the complete and absolute attitude of selflessness that Joseph has. His life is not about him. And that is soooo evident in the way that he speaks and acts. He has spent his life seeking honor. My eyes see this man in this movie, and wonder if such a man as that still exists in such a fallen worlds we live in today. Is there a man out there, who spends every waking (and probably sleeping) minute seeking honor in the eyes of God? Someone who knows the value of a woman? Someone like Joseph. Is there someone like Joseph? I sooo long to believe that men like that do still exist today. And as much as I long for a man like that, surely he must long for a woman like Mary....which has been the greatest impact on me since seeing the movie. How can I be that kind of woman? It's definitely a big thought to wrestle with.
Through all of this, there was one most important thing that God spoke to the very deepest parts of my heart. As I watched this story....the struggles, and the sacrifices, and the reality of it all, I saw it with new eyes. I looked at the scene where Joseph and Mary find themselves in some guys barn lying on the groud surrounded by hay and animals and funky noises and smells, I'm sure, and there......there is where God chooses to bring Jesus into the world. I mean, I was born under better conditions than that, and I am nobody. Jesus......now he is somebody. But God chose the MOST humble conditions to reveal his glory to mankind. I watched this glorious scene in the movie and God was like, "Kristan, this....exactly what you are watching right now, this is Christmas. Please forget everything you have ever learned about Christmas and the 'holiday season', because I am showing it to you right now. You see, they had no garland or Christmas lights or Pot of Gold chocolates. Christmas is not even about all the nice things that you have been taught: peace on earth, time with family, good will toward men......that is life, all year round. But this....this baby is Christmas." I tell you, no greater truth has ever been revealed to me in all my 20 years of life. I left the theatre knowing that I had two choices: I either had to completely turn away from my faith....just walk away and abandon it, or....I had to believe it as though there is no truer thing that I have ever seen or heard. The truth of my faith had to become 100% of who I am and why I live. I had to believe it like I've never believed anything before. I choose to believe. Christ really knows how to heal a wounded soul and fill it with life again. He shows me Christmas. For the first time in my life, I really really understand Christmas. What a glorious thing. I apologise for this tremendously long essay. I have taken all week to getting around to writing this in here because it has taken me this long to work through the magnitude of what God is showing me. And I know that this journey is definitely just beginning. And I couldn't be more excited. I love you all!
