Great encouragement for me

So tonight, after going to the musical with Dan and Kyla and Jana, (which was extremely unusual and impossible to understand, by the way) we headed over to Tim Hortons for quite a while and sat and chatted about a bunch of things. Jana took off to work and so left the three of us there in our conversation. And as has been happening more often lately, usually when I'm around Dan, a religious discussion breaks out. Now, I love when this happens and I only wish that it would happen more among us. But.......at the same time.....being involved in discussions of this nature tend to make me feel inferior and somewhat stupid. Usually I tend to do much much more listening than talking because I feel as if I don't know my Bible well enough to even have a valid opinion about anything. Which also seems weird to me as I have done quite a bit of Bible reading in my short Christian life thus far. I've read it cover to cover once and as of December 31st of this year I will be done it for the second time, as well as much additional reading all around in there. And yet, I feel like I've completely missed everything important. I feel like I can't say what I'm thinking because in the moment I feel like I don't even know if what I'm thinking has any validation whatsoever. Like everything that I've always thought that I've known is suddenly being questioned and I don't know anything about what I think I know. If that makes any sense to anyone. Especially around Dan. I feel like he knows his Bible so well that he has such a firm basis for all his thoughts and opinions. LIke he just knows exactly what he's talking about all the time. In a way it's kinda crappy that I feel this way. Obviously I'm not stupid and I do know a lot of things and my thoughts and opinions do have a basis and are valid. But on the other hand....I guess maybe...being around Dan makes me want sooo badly to dive soo much deeper into my Bible than I ever have before. I feel like I want to read it all the time and learn as much as I possibly can. Dan's knowledge and his passion for what he knows and believes, makes me want to have more of that. I want to learn as much as I can about this book that God has given us. I want to understand it as much as my human mind is capable of, and I want to have great confidence in what I believe. I want to know Jesus better, and have as intimate a relationship with him as I can. I like feeling like I'm being challenged in this way. Because as of right now I feel as if I have no place in religious discussions, because what I have learnt is minimal in comparison to those around me. Now, I don't on any means want to be comparing my faith or myself to that of others, but it is just encouraging me to become sure in my walk with God. To just live life with him....him and I....I and him...together....and be so sure and confident in that. I pray that this is something I will never forget or lose sight of. That I will always have a great desire to grow and learn more and draw closer to Jesus. It's been a great lesson for me lately, I guess. And I'm really grateful.

Frustrated.....grrr...

K, you know how on What Women Want, Mel Gibson can like hear what all the women are thinking all the time and what not? Man oh man....sometimes I just wish that I could have that ability for a little bit. I might hear a lot of thoughts that I wouldn't want to hear, but it would also help me out right now in clearing things up a bit. YOu know how some people are just so hard to read and you can never tell what they are thinking? Man....hugest situation of that nature over here. I'm not the best at reading people to begin with....as hard as I try...I still have not mastered it as of yet. And there is this one person in particular whom I cannot read accurately if my life depended on it. One of those crazy mysterious ones who are so good at guarding their thoughts and feelings from the public eye. You just never can be too sure. Although, I am quite sure that in due time, everything will be understood and all good. I just gotta have patience. Let me tell you...patience is hard to have when you don't want to be patient. But unfortunately, that's the route I'll be traveling for a while it seems...the road of patience. Just prayer for patience for me would be so FaNtAsTiC! Even though this post has been very vague and uninformative...ya, sorry about that...I would still like your prayers for patience. Thank you kindly. You're all beautiful!

Beautiful people

Yesterday was my beautiful friend Jana's birthday. I just love that girl soooooooooooo much! I'm not even lying or exaggerating when I say that she is one of my favourite people on the face of the earth. She just amazes me by the way that she keeps on getting more and more beautiful and radiant and marvelous EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! Oh Man!!! She's unreal. I love her...sooo very much. And what a blessing it has been to have her in my life. I learn so much from her and look up to her a lot. She is someone to be admired, there is no doubt about that. I spent the day with her again today. And Dan as well. We went over to Jana's place and chilled out and watched a movie. Well mostly they watched and I went to sleep. But it was still wonderful. I could be in the company of friends 24/7 and be so completely content and happy. My friends are my world. I just feel so blessed. Aaaahhh.....beautiful people.....they are all beautiful and marvelous.

Stupid cough

Man, being sick sucks. I've developed this nasty awful cough that is sucking the life right outta me.I'm so congested in my chest and I'm just coughing up flem and it SuCkS!!!! I mean....I'm alright if I don't talk or laugh or move around or breath through my mouth. Then I'm ok. So ya...you get the picture. Crappy!! To make things even better...I think I'm like an insomniac. There are lots of nights where I just cannot fall asleep for the life of me, regardless of how tired I am. Ya, last night was one of those nights. Sure didn't fall asleep 'til around 5:00 this morning. Man, I just hate that. It's so frustrating just lying in bed, dead tired, and you don't know what you could do different to make your body fall asleep. If anyone has any suggestions of any sort, I would be delighted to hear them. Oh and I also hate the medi-clinic....but I won't get into that....it'll get me all riled up for no reason. So basically, for the majority of this week, you should expect to find me at home in my sweatpants tuning in to Oprah and Dr. Phil or other activities of equal laziness. So that's all I have to say right now. Perhaps later, I'll think of something a little more insightful.

Simply marvelous...

Tonight was truly fabulous!!! I loved every second of every part of it!! Youth was great. We spent a lot of time just sitting and listening.....trying with open ears to hear God's voice. Then we all wrote a letter to God....just being so very honest and real about what is going on in our lives and how we're doing. Man, I could have just written and written and written some more. It's a hard thing to do....just sit down and pour out your soul to God about everything that's making up your life right now. Hard.....but very good and worthwhile. Very freeing, I felt. So that was truly great to have that time. I definitely needed that. Afterwards, I had some people over to watch a movie. That was really great.....I haven't really had people over that much since we moved in here....and I really like to. I think I should start doing it more. So we watched Kicking And Screaming, and after that was over, most people went home. Dan and Kyla and Kevin and I went out for a walk to Tim Hortons. Man....it was sooooo awesome. Going for walks with your friends...priceless. Such good quality time. So we made it to Tim Hortons and got some drinks and then headed out on even more of an adventure. Kev went home and Dan and Kyla and I continued on to Scott and Jasmine's house. There was a bunch of people over there. So we stayed and chilled there for a bit and then we walked back to here, at which point, Kyla and Dan went home. What an AwEsOmE night. Praise God for my awesome awesome friends and for the great fabulous time I had walking around with them tonight. It was simply marvelous. Only God knows how very much my friends truly mean to me. Thanks God! You're the best!

Please pray...

So this morning wasn't the best I've eer had. I woke up to my mom coming in my room to say that she's leaving for Regina in about half an hour. It turns out that my grandma fell and broke her hip and is now in the hospital. So yea...my mom and sister left this morning to Regina to be with my grandma. It's very hard for me to think about. I hate that my grandma is in the hospital somewhere with a broken hip. She must feel so helpless. My mom told me how she was nervous about the possibility of my grandma maybe having to go in for surgery. She's a fairly weak woman and my mom fears that it may be possible that she might not make it through. I just ask for all of your prayeres for my grandma and my family right now. Only God knows what is best. Truthfully....the thought of my grandma not being around really more scaes me a lot. She is not a Christian. It's times like this that I find myself suddenly in panic mode jut praying frantically for my grandma's salvation. Why does it take the possibility of death being very near for me to begin to pray urgently? Why isn't today just as urgent as any other day? Perhaps it should be. So ya, I just want to ask for your prayers over this situation. Thank you!

Romans 6:13

"Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness."

This verse gives a pretty clear depiction of how I was thinking and feeling tonight. I was thinking about my body and how much I use it to bring glory to God compared to how much I don't. I was at the church to pray this afternoon, and I took advantage of the opportunity to just let loose and use my body to bring joy to God. I cranked up the music and just danced around for a while......I haven't felt like my body has been used for something so beautiful in a long time. I just occurred to me that why don't I make an effort to use my body for his majesty every second of the day? Regardless of what I'm doing. To strive for absolute purity and modesty and grace and health and love. I can use my body for all of these things......24/7. So why don't I? Afterall, my body is not my own anyways. It already belongs to God. I'm just living in it for the time being....until he takes me home. How would God like this body of mine to be used? Totally for his glory and honour I can imagine. I think I'm going to start keeping that in mind. I wonder how my life would look different if I honoured God with every word and every move and every step. Quite beautiful I bet.

God works in sensational ways!

Do you ever feel as if for one moment, you were exactly where you were meant to be, when you were meant to be there? God is marvelous in that way. Tonight, I was having a strangely rough time with myself. I felt as if I don't know who I am, or what the heck God is hoping to make of me. I feel like I'm just existing and that I am somewhat worthless if I don't know exactly what my great purpose in life is. I wanted to go out for a walk with my dog when I got home from hanging out with Dan and Jana and Kyla tonight. But my mom wouldn't let me because she believed it was too late, which led me to become even more frustrated and unhappy with life. So I came on msn for who knows what reason. This is now the moment I was referring to, when I felt like I was supposed to be right here right then. Dan and I started talking and I shared my frustrations with him. We talked about it for a while. Dan is very smart and very wise. He basically re-affirmed what I already knew, but had lost sight of in my frustration. Maybe God knew that that was all I needed. Just a conversation with someone to bring me some encouragement. I guess I just appreciate my friend Dan. And I'm glad that we're friends. It really is true that overall, God really does know what is the very best for me. Afterall, he did know that one day I would be in this state of frustration and hopelessness and that I would just need someone to talk to for 15 minutes tonight. Maybe that's why God created a friendship between Dan and I. Maybe......maybe not. But I'm thankful nonetheless.

It doesn't seem great enough

I feel as if I love people too much. Now I don't actually think that's possible, but somehow, that's how I'm left feeling sometimes.There are friends that I have that I simple LoVe to be with! Like, take this as literally as possible because that is how I mean it. There are some people specifically who especially fall into this category. Here's an illustration to better get across my feelings here...whenever I go to babysit Quin and Abby, they are always waiting in the window when I pull up, and it's just so obvious that they have been waiting in eager expectation for me to get there because they knew that I was on my way. As I come in the front door they run over to greet me and it's quite obvious that they are thrilled for me to be there with them. This is a pretty good depiction of how I feel about some people. I feel like my heart isn't big enough to hold all of the love that I feel for them inside, and so sometimes I feel like I am acting like a small child in being overwhelmed with excitement to be with that person. I usually try to keep these displays of happiness to a minimum because I feel like maybe people might feel smothered or overwhelmed or something if they really knew. If they really knew how much I love them and want to be with them. I feel like I have to hold some of my love back to keep things at a comfortable. I guess maybe I'm just scared to love as much as my heart wants to sometimes. I wonder why this is. I have no logical explanation. It just is the way it is. Maybe I feel like I can only show as much love to people as I feel that they are showing to me. Maybe it all goes back to old wounds and remembering what it feels like to have more feelings for someone than they had for me. Maybe I'm scared of being hurt. It's sad I guess....to be scared to love. I pray that I would learn how to love limitlessly, so that I wouldn't feel like I'm hiding all of my love from the people I feel it for the most. I guess maybe this is the beginning of a journey that I need to take. So.....here we go, I guess.

Why put off 'til tomorrow what you can do today?

So I was at the gym on Wednesday evening. Jenna managed to get me to drag my but there with her. So there I was sitting on a bike for a good 40 minutes looking at a random magazine that was sitting on the counter. No, there was one article in particular that caught my attention. I talked about how we tend to always dream about the future and think about all the things that could happen one day or that we would like to do one day. It's the when/then attitude. For example, "WHEN I finally can find a job that gives me more than 10 hours a week and pays more than minimum wage, THEN I will be able to think about what it might be like to buy a car, or move away from home." It just seems like a hopeless situation, because no matter what job I have or what my circumstances are, it's always going to seem as if there's something that I don't have that I need in order to have what I want. I will always subconciously create a dilema that keeps me from stepping out and really living. I mean, obviously I don't have enough money to be able to move away from home right now. But that doesn't change the fact that one day I will. Why not have a little piece of it now? I mean, why don't I buy a coffee mug or two that I really love? Or why don't I learn how to cook right now? I mean eventually I'm gonna have to know how to really feed myself, right? Why don't I begin enjoying these things now? I don't need to wait. And maybe I should take up something I've always wanted to do but always said I'd do it "one day"? What's stopping me from really living my life right now? What am I waiting for? Do I think that it's all just going to happen on it's own? I mean, I want to really enjoy my life now! The only thing that's stopping me is me. I guess it's just been kind of a wake up call to me. I want to live with passion and excitement and enjoyment. So....maybe I will.