mystery...

I am sitting here at my computer.....wishing that I could gather my thoughts enough to be able to know what I want to write about right now. All I know is I want to write. I don't know...maybe this might sound weird to everyone.....I sometimes wish that I could just write down what I'm thinking...reagardless of what it is. Like as if no one else was going to read it but me. But at the same time.....a small part of me wishes that I could pour out my soul, for everyone to read and hear and learn about. I think that inside of everyone is a desire to be really known and understood. To be so transparent and vulnerable. I have so many things that I would like to say in this space.....but at the same time, I have this fear of being known. What would people think if they knew this about me? How would they react if they knew I felt this way about them? Would my friends still love me....if they really knew me? I wish that I could just tell everyone what I think about them or about myself or about life. And then that's it. Just put it out there...and then people would know. Rather....I choose not to put these thoughts on here for the public to see. I resort to writing it down elsewhere or telling a few people here and there. I feel that people will best know me after I die. My secrets will no longer be secrets, my thoughts will be out there for everyone to finally know about. It's a shame that it will take my death for this to happen. But on the flip side.....maybe I don't want the whole world to know everything about me.....maybe the fact that there are some things that certain people have no idea about me, is helping me to keep a sense of mystery to myself. Who would want to get to know me, if I shared every last detail about myself with them? There would be nothing left to learn. But I mean....guaranteed, if I knew I was going to die in the next 24 hours, I wouldn't hesitate to tell a lot of people how I feel about them...or thoughts I've always kept to myself. I want people to know me....I just don't want to have to tell them. Perhaps one day....I'll be brave enough to be more transparent and vulnerable. For now....I will just carry on....as I am.....praying that everything that needs to be made known, will be. And the rest will remain a mystery, I guess.